‘Where do you even buy giant fake boobs?’ The imaginary thoughts of the director of Oakville

Dear Diary: Our thin veneer of student authority only needed one pair of huge boobs to be broken forever

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This week, Oakville Trafalgar High School in Ontario suddenly became world famous when one of its shop teachers suddenly started showing up to class with absurdly large prosthetic breasts, with giant nipples visible. . The Halton District School Board not only defended the teacher, but promised to develop a “safety plan” to ensure that the rights of transgender teachers would be respected. And in that, they may have no choice: in recent years, Ontario and Canadian laws have been pretty clear that questioning a person’s gender expression could have serious consequences. civil and even criminal.

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In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically reimagines a week in the life of a journalist. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a trip into the thoughts of the principal of Oakville Trafalgar High School.

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MONDAY

A jolt of excitement always runs through me when I feel the first cool breeze or spot the first red oak leaf. There’s an energy to this work that just can’t be beat: a rainbow of new possibilities every September. I can feel it: this is the year our team qualifies for provincial championships and our Terry Fox race finally wins $1,000.

That’s when my ashen-faced assistant manager walked into my office. “It’s… something in the manufacturing technology class,” she stammered. There you have it: the one sentence that was guaranteed to freeze any principal’s veins. The Manufacturing Technology classroom is 600 square feet of open flames, sharp edges, and spinning blades: it’s the last place in the whole school you want to hear about something wrong. At that point, I offered a silent prayer that whatever bad news came from the vice principal’s lips next, would not involve one of our students being killed or injured. So, in a way, I got my wish, but the Lord works in mysterious ways.

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TUESDAY

I just got on the phone with the school district’s legal counsel. If I mention boobs, I’m immediately fired and the district is hauled to the Human Rights Tribunal. If I suggest “appropriate nipple coverage” I am immediately fired and the district is hauled to the Human Rights Tribunal. If a student ever misinterprets the teacher’s gender or “creates an unsafe work environment,” I am fired immediately and the district is taken to the Human Rights Tribunal.

WEDNESDAY

And the media storm begins. I have to admit that I was expecting something a little more “mainstream”; I could handle the nudges of working through a host of BBC, CTV and CNN news vans. But instead, all we seem to get is a trickle of right-wing independent media with names like “The Truth Bullet” and “Freedom Offensive.” A podcaster sipping Monster energy drink cornered me in the parking lot and asked me what I thought of Japanese kyonyuu fetishists. A young man in his twenties, wearing a Breton cap, raised his phone camera to my face and asked me if bakunyū hentai was going to be added to the school curriculum.

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I don’t know what those words mean! I am a 49 year old civil servant with a master’s degree in public education. I don’t even know where you’d buy giant fake boobs, let alone begin to understand why you’d want to wear them for six hours teaching teenagers rudimentary carpentry.

THURSDAY

I have to admit, I skipped a lot of our early morning board meeting. But I picked up an update that we are already slipping in our learning outcomes for the school year: test scores, attendance, driving, everything is down. Of course it is ! The Manufacturing Technology professor tries to operate a circular saw while tripping over two watermelon-sized boobs! Who can expect a room full of 30 teenage students to even start concentrating under these circumstances?

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FRIDAY

It was just before lunch that a grade 11 student was sent to my office for a dress infraction: she had worn spaghetti straps in explicit violation of the Oakville Trafalgar dress code prohibiting any visible bra. Standard procedure would be to send her home to change.

The student nodded, calmly pulled out a small bag of drug paraphernalia, and started rolling a joint on my desk. “Just so I understand, principal, you’re going to send me home to wear spaghetti straps? ” she says.

And so, as she leaned luxuriously in her chair and took the first provocative puffs of cannabis smoke, I fully understood my new role here at Oakville Trafalgar. The whole 12th grade class could show up to school in bondage gear and I’m powerless to do more than affirm the public expression of their authentic selves.

Any experienced educator knows that we all walk a fine line between order and chaos. We’re tasked with overseeing classrooms full of hormonal demi-sociopaths. Our only real power over them is a thin, almost ethereal veneer of authority. A veneer that all these years only needed one pair of huge breasts to be broken forever. It’s the end of the world.

  1. Oakville Trafalgar High School in Oakville, Ontario.

    Rex Murphy: A classroom is no place to wear massive breast forms

  2. None

    Ontario teacher sparks controversy by wearing giant breast forms in class

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