Headero dating app fights oral sex stigma

Walking on a red carpet last month at the premiere of The Many Saints of Newark, the new prequel to the film The Sopranos, actor Cory Stoll said to New York Post how “sad” the character he portrayed, the irascible Junior Soprano, could never admit to being “a generous lover”. In the show’s first season, it is revealed that 70-year-old “Uncle Jun” not only went “out there” for his female partners, but “was like a great artist” when he got it. made. The news reaches boss Tony, and Junior is ridiculed, a result he expected from such a leak. According to Junior, the men around him viewed cunnilingus as “a sign of weakness”, which is why he vowed to keep his then girlfriend a secret, and then enraged at her after his embarrassment. .

Stoll said that while Junior’s willingness to perform the sex act led to “his utter shame,” it was “the best thing about him,” a remark that further supports research indicating the stigma against oral sex is finally dying out. Still, it hasn’t quite been extinguished.

“Why the hell don’t you kiss something that smells and tastes like dessert?” Writes a female Redditor, u / Juicy_Peach420, in response to my call to interview subjects of people who have faced the stigma of oral sex in others. She blames “patriarchy” for guys being so “selfish”, a thought she adds “makes me want to sit on a man [sic] face and not reciprocate.

Contrary to common gender stereotypes, however, it’s not just men who balk at the idea of ​​performing oral sex on women.

“I’m married to a woman who is largely averse to speaking,” a man named “Mark” wrote in a Reddit post. “When it comes to fellatio, she can do it to me for about a minute, but only to make me hard for sex.”

Mark says his wife doesn’t want oral sex on her either, because “she can’t get past the ‘raw’ factor of my face buried in her pussy.”

“I usually can’t get him to turn him on when I try,” continues Mark. “Which is a shame, because giving a woman cunnilingus is one of the most enjoyable things I find.”

There is an application for that

For people like Mark and Juicy_Peach420 who live in New York City, there’s a new hookup app designed to ease their frustration with oral sex. At On your mind, “The login app for people who love oral pleasure”, users can browse enthusiastic donors and eager receivers according to age range and gender identity. The free profiles also show ‘Energies I’m in’ on a sliding scale between ‘male’ and ‘female’, while the premium upgrade – the ‘Bliss’ mode – posts more details about what each user is looking for, from meeting arrangements to problems. to body types.

Headero founder Stephen Quaderer told InsideHook his technology helps fight the still pervasive cultural stigma against oral sex – and sex in general. With an emphasis on pleasure as opposed to categorized partners, he says user interactions are also able to “transcend the boxes of sexuality.”

Quaderer, who is 38 and identifies as both gay and pansexual, observes that when it comes to oral sex, “people of all sexualities and clearly all gender identities” appreciate “and are very actively seeking [it] out. ”On apps like Grindr – which he admits to“ setting the stage ”for Headero, although he filters matches by relatively rigid identifiers like“ twink ”or“ bear ”- he’s seen straight men looking for blowjobs from other men because they just want an over-demanding oral sex experience.

“It was clear that something was going on here,” Quaderer said of the unlikely Grindr trend. “I saw it as a very good avenue to create a space that was actually for everyone.”

The origins of the oral sex problem

Part of the lingering stigma of oral sex that is fueling demand for a platform like Headero may have its root in religious beliefs that prohibit sex outside of marriage and for purposes other than conception. Redditor Mark says his wife is “a very Catholic woman who follows [such] teachings of the church. These same teachings, however, have recently been called into question, even by fabric officials, including San Diego pastor Brandan Robertson. In a publication on Church Views on Oral Sex for the Sexual Wellness Education Platform school, Robertson states that because the Bible declares the body “the temple of your spirit … as long as you are respectful to yourself and others, you have absolutely the freedom to explore and enjoy the pleasure,” adding, “It there is nothing to be ashamed of in that. ”

Dori Bagi, a Sydney, Australia-based sexual intimacy coach who connects with U.S. clients through the Grow yourself counseling center says she has worked with people who oppose oral sex for religious reasons. But more generally, Bagi says other clients refused to let go of their partners because of an education that included negative sex talk or no sex education at all. Many young people, she says, are still educated about sexually transmitted infections and how to avoid pregnancy, with little or no instruction on the pleasures of sexual acts like oral sex.

“Recently, I have seen an increase in the number of couples or individuals referring to pornography, and this is their only exposure to what oral sex looks like,” Bagi said. “As we know, this is not the reality.”

A lack of education combined with the consumption of sexual media can also cause people with vaginas to feel self-conscious about the appearance of their intimate area.

“All of the available images are kind of the same – no lips are visible, basically – so if their parts look slightly different or have bigger lips or a different color, what have you got, then you might be like, “Oh, that’s not what my partner wants to see,” Bagi said. They might also be thinking, “I’m embarrassed; I don’t want him or her to be up there.

Despite u / Juicy_Peach420’s position that all vulvae smell and taste like “dessert”, hygiene and taste can also be a barrier to oral sex, on both sides of the sex organ coin. While some of the oral sex showers may still cling to damaging college misconceptions about the “bad” smell or taste of the genitals – especially the vaginas – others may have had an unfortunate early encounter with a. set of unhealthy genitals that spoiled their taste for oral sex. Men can also worry about contracting HPV through the act, which in rare cases can lead to throat cancer.

Then, of course, there are still men who don’t perform oral sex on women due to performance anxiety, as well as “toxic masculinity” and worry about being emasculated – the Unle Jun of our time.

Daniel saynt, who is bisexual and runs the Sex-Friendly Members Club only on New society for well-being (NSFW), says oral sex stigma is virtually non-existent in the gay male community, but he has encountered men who refuse to prey on women. He says that many times it’s just a man who prioritizes his own satisfaction over that of a partner. Other times, it’s because of what Saynt believes to be a fear of privacy.

“There’s this weird feeling like, ‘If I’m too kind or too generous to this partner, then she’s going to get attached,’” Saynt says. “It makes things less satisfying and all the more difficult to find someone.”

The Internet Oral Sex Crusade

With the Headero app, Quaderer hopes to fight this lingering stigma of oral sex, just like the intrepid Reddit founders behind it. r / RandomActsOfBlowJob and r / RandomActsOfMuffDive. The first is for “Correspondence of mouths and limbs”, the second for “Pairing people with pussies”.

“The members of the RAOBJ / MD community are some of the most sex-positive, caring and helpful people I know,” says Olivia Sheppard, a 32-year-old woman who works in marketing and moderates RAOBJ , in an email. “I would definitely say that this group is working to tackle the social stigma against oral sex; and, in my opinion, the subreddit exists to help grow this community (in addition to its stated purpose of helping mouths and genitals bond).

Reddit’s private oral-sex husband Mark met a woman outside of her marriage via r / RandomActsOfMuffDive – at least a success for the group, depending on your feelings about the sanctity of marriage.

To be clear, as InsideHook’s Kayla Kibbe argued earlier this year, no one should feel pressured to perform any sex act, including oral, that they are not really comfortable with. But if there is some social stigma or ignorance behind such a position, as appears to be the case with Mark’s wife, there should at least be room for conversation.

“If you create a safe environment for your partner, you can find out why they don’t like speaking so much.

“Oral sex is something that can enhance a couple’s sexual experience. It can improve the way they talk about their sexuality, it can definitely [help] that they are more vulnerable, sexually, with each other, ”Bagi says. She adds that with communication and discovering what’s nice and what’s not in bed, it becomes “much easier to find a happy medium – or a happy ending.”

The happy ending that Quaderer is looking for is for Headero to be available nationwide. He says growth has been strong since the platform’s launch in New York City in July, with more than 5,000 registered users to date. He hopes to enter the San Francisco market soon.

However, this lingering cultural stigma against sex stands in its way, in the form of the ban by social media platforms from advertising sexual goods and services. Quaderer says he cannot promote Headero on major platforms, including Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr and others.

Publicizing your mission to include fun is proving to be an uphill battle, one that must somehow be fought against people like Mark Zuckerberg.

“I have to go and fight this crusade,” Quaderer said. “And I have no doubts that we are going to win.”


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