10 important questions to ask before getting married
When you’ve been with your partner long enough for marriage to be on the table, you might think you know everything there is to know about him. Chances are you won’t.
It has been reported that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who recently reunited, are officially married almost 20 years after their first engagement. This begs the question: how do you know if your partner is the right partner for you to marry?
While it’s normal to be giddy when a relationship approaches marriage, you want to be grounded with a deep sense of reality in how you and your long-term goals, values, and emotional needs align. . Do not wait before it’s too late. (Read: It’s in your best interest to resolve these potential issues before get engaged.)
10 questions to ask yourself before getting married:
1. How will we manage the money?
Since financial conflicts are one of the main causes of divorce, the conversation about money is crucial. Are you going to create a joint account, where all income will go automatically? Or will you keep separate accounts? What about any assets you might have before marriage? Are these shared? Where will you prioritize your spending? How much will you set aside each month to build for the future?
2. How will we distribute the domestic work in our house?
Also known as just shitty housework, housework can also be a source of friction on the road.
Even if you’re lucky enough to have a housekeeper for periodic deep cleaning, nothing but nightly takeaways will stop the flow of dishes, counterspray, and sweeping up crumbs. Add the kids and their endless parade of toys, misplaced shoes and dirty clothes into the mix, and you’re looking at the barrel of hours of extra work. per day.
How will it be divided? Are there gender-based expectations for how this work will be done? Remember to include cooking, kitchen cleaning, laundry, yard work, home repairs, and paying bills in the discussion.
3. How will we handle disagreements?
I hope you’ve already had a few humdings to get a sense of how you as a couple create and resolve conflict. All healthy couples have arguments; the key is whether you can resolve them without lingering resentment.
Does your partner need time and space after an argument? How many? Are name calling and throwing objects acceptable in a fight? Do they believe in the “never go to bed angry” trope (almost impossible, FYI) or do they have a habit of being silent and filibustering?
Find out how to work through these patterns before you tie up.
4. Are you open to advice if we need it?
If you and your partner are reaching a point where you can no longer handle disagreements successfully without clinging to pain, anger, and disappointment, it’s probably time to see a marriage counselor.
Is your partner open to it? Would they go with you or alone, if necessary? You’ll want to know if they’re having trouble getting help.
5. What are your expectations regarding sex?
Every relationship has sexual peaks and dry spells. How will you and your partner deal with frequency changes?
It’s helpful to discuss what each of you will tolerate in terms of meeting your sexual needs outside of the relationship. What are your partner’s opinions on masturbation, pornography and having an open marriage?
6. Will we live together before marriage?
Some people think that cohabitation is essential before taking the plunge, while others prefer to wait until after marriage.
Where is your partner located? How will you divide the household expenses? Who will you be moving to? (Answer: the one with the most bathrooms.) Here are some other useful questions to consider.
7. Where will we spend the holidays?
Holidays can be a tough time for couples, with one partner willing to travel anywhere to spend those family moments around the barbecue while the other prefers to leave.
Especially if you and your partner have different religious beliefs, your families live far apart, or you have different values than your partner’s parents, it’s important to discuss how and where you will celebrate.
8. Do you want children? And if so, what are you open to?
It seems obvious, but sometimes the prospect of having a family is not explicitly mentioned.
If your partner wants children, how many do they want? What to do if you are having trouble getting pregnant; is your future spouse open to IVF, surrogacy or adoption?
9. How will we raise the children?
Once you’re on the same page about the kids, you can move on to the next big question: how are we going to take care of them? Does one partner have to stay home full time? Who will take care of them if both partners are working? Does it change if you have a child with special needs?
Even if you and your partner aren’t familiar with the different parenting styles, try to get an idea of how they would parent.
You can do this by asking them how they were raised and what they liked and disliked about it, or by creating scenarios like: What if our child gets caught stealing? What if they answer you?
Does their style seem more passive and permissive to you? Authoritarian and old school? Soft? Should you be the disciplinarian?
10. Would you ever get a divorce?
Of course, opinions can change over time, but it is essential to assess a person’s thoughts and feelings regarding divorce.
Is your partner a “knight or die” who could never imagine breaking up once you’re married? Or do they see it more as a sometimes necessary evil when things don’t work out? If they were considering divorce, what are some of the reasons, or deal breakers, that might push them there?
Getting married is exciting, but being married is a challenging work in progress. Answering these questions before saying “yes” is a great way to set yourself up for nuptial success.
This article has been updated since its publication.